iAutumn's whisper
by Dottynha
Summary: Besides a story, this is a representation of a state of mind, a soul's rambling of Freddie Benson. It shows how Freddie has been feeling himself after Sam had been gone and he had to care their daughter alone still loving her.


**A/N . In a not so far future. Autumn Whisper was written to try show how Freddie Benson has been feeling after Sam left. They got a daugther named Amanda 3 years ago. Sam had been gone an year already and Freddie can't suffer it anymore. He only wants her love back. We know that get a daugther probably never will be showed in the show, but according to how is Sam's behavior and immaturity if it happens Sam probably would be rejected for Freddie's family and Sam as a mother wouldn't have the custody. **I don't own anything, so it's just an idea. **Freddie POV **

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><p>We are in Autumn. There is a whisper in the window. <em>Just the wind, <em>said Freddie, restless; looking for a moment at his little Amanda, but she was asleep, while Freddie couldn't close his eyes. Amanda wouldn't bother herself anymore with the agitating trees in the beginning of autumn, but Freddie did. It was already more than a year since Sam had been gone.

In a way Amanda had learned not to expect her mother to come back. Freddie used to try talking about it but she rarely asked anything. Only sensitive souls could realize that there was anything inconsistent, though. Something that screamed hopelessly for her mother, like those things life stole from you, but you kept looking for from everything, even from the inconsistent. The whispering wind blowing in the window made Freddie's mind remember that he couldn't run away from his memories.

Freddie decided get up for a while and went close to the window and remembered when Sam still used to visit them. Sam now pervaded Freddie's thoughts. _Would she be sleeping? Crying? Dreaming? _That was just an imagined distorted reality, and nothing else._ "Doesn't matter." _He lied to himself.

**Raining**. Freddie used to feel Sam's absence on rainy days. It was causing, slowly, a whiteness in his mind that kept erasing his memories and sensations from a lost past. Two tears fell down from Freddie's eyes. He had already arrived at his natural balance of those nights: Disquietude. It seems he was lying in his bed again.

Freddie's nights were like this currently. The less he thought of Sam in these past months made Freddie feel himself to be a great pretender. He pretended to feel good, but on the other hand he would feel like the sky was falling down on his head. The leaves of the trees were already on the ground, the weather was getting colder every day, just like Freddie's heart. He knew all the reasons for Sam's absence, but he still got worse every day. His friends used to say "** It is gonna be ok, day by day, right?"** but Freddie only could live **That Day**, his mind couldn't imagine beyond it.

Freddie missed something, but he did not know what. He was a person who burned his love letters and then repented days after, because they were memories. Memories can't survive by themselves just in the mind, without a material reference. They would just **be gone**. You could get them back, as little flashbacks haunting your mind, when something visible or listenable planted a thought there; like a whisper in the window or on a cold autumn night.

It was useless trying to sleep. Since autumn began Freddie had felt an endless agony. He was, in this moment, stretched out on his bed, his eyes closed. He remembered the end of summer when Amanda had her 3rd birthday. _Amazing days on the beach, Amanda making sand castles and then jumping on them, or else jumping on the castles of others kids. _Freddie remembered that he usually used to say: _Don't do it, honey_! but Amanda always replied back _C'mon dad, it's fun! _Freddie laughed. That same day on the beach Freddie remembered that Sam had appeared there and while Amanda was teaching the other kids to shoot sand balls in the ocean, Sam got close Freddie, slowly, and said:

**"_I can't take anymore.. I can't take anymore_." Sam was crying. "_I'm just her bad side, I really need to go, I need to change by myself_. Freddie tried to say: _Wait, go where? , please stay. _Sam said: _No Freddie, you did not want to do like I told, sorry, I will be watching you close, I can't do anything else._**

This was the last time Freddie saw her. They went back home that night and while they were in the car Amanda ironically said, "Dad, I miss mom. When is she coming?"

Freddie fought with himself over how to respond to that. "I don't know baby, mom is kind of busy now, she had to travel, but I promise to call her at home, ok?"

_- "Ok Dad, ask her for some jujubes for me."_

She did not ask about her mother in the days after that. Freddie knew the reason. That day he felt a pain in his chest, kind of a self-love pulled out. It was** unfair**.

Now back in the present, Freddie rolled up in bed and after his flashback said, "I'm stupid!" He then **closed** his eyes again.

Sleepless, Freddie decides to get up again. He says to Amanda's nanny that he needs to walk around for a while.

_-It's the middle of the night, Mr. Benson. Is everything ok?" asked Mrs. Pareijko._

-_Yes, I'm just a little bit disturbed by my memories more than usual. I think it's because of autumn."_

Mrs. Pareijko tried to help_. "I know why Mr. Benson, you remember when Sam left."_

_-Please don't make it harder than it already is, Mrs. Pareijko."_

_-Ok, sorry._

Freddie grabbed his camera and took the car, the radio playing **_I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing_**. Freddie drove for a few hours trying to erase his memories, but he ended up at that beach. Freddie was filming the dawning of the day, when he heard – **"HEY BENSON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?**" Freddie couldn't believe his ears and turned around.

_Opening his eyes he couldn't see her. Freddie knew it was just a dream. Still there was rain, still there were rumors. He stretched in his bed._

_-I was dreaming, why? Why? I don't want to dream anymore!_

- _Dad ?_

_- Sorry, honey. I **need** to do something._

Freddie's thoughts were so far way, he wanted someone to read the emotions on his face. Impossible. Nobody could do it. Freddie just could tell himself. It came from Freddie's inside world, the existence of that lost feeling that turned into concreteness. He knew that need to resolve it. At last it was decided like **never before**.

Taking the car, **"Time to not live anymore apart from the whispers."**

Freddie went to that beach every morning for the entire autumn. Sam never came. He never gave up trying to find her there, even though he knew it wasn't likely to happen, the possibility made him **feel great tenderness**.

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><p><strong>You can think what happened to Sam, if she died, just is taking a break with her family, will be back, will be not coming back. You can decide, and if you want review.<strong>

**Thanks to StoryTeller125.**


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